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He would beat me senseless and tell me how worthless I am. I never enjoyed the beatings but I took it like a man because that’s what he told me to do. I remember one morning, waking up and I was told that I would no longer go to public school because I was too smart. I was 12 and already in 9th grade, two grades higher than normal.He started working in his villa’s basement more often. He told me I should never go down there because that was “Daddy’s Secret Work” that he would show me when I was older. He told me that he would have a special gift for me when I could go down there. He didn’t think that I knew what he was doing down there. But I did. I could hear the constant screaming, and different sayings and the sound of a gun shooting and reloading.By the time I was 13, my father thought I was mature to handle what was down in his secret basement, even though I already knew what was going on. He brought me downstairs and showed me around. And that’s when I discovered exactly what. It vibrated through bodies and drowned out everything. But it gave me time to think. Then:"Maybe for a moment, just for a moment, I felt some... jealousy, or regret. Because I could imagine how your mouths felt. I could imagine sharing your breath. And I knew you weren't for me."Oh hell! End this nonsense."I wouldn't ever expose you. Please believe me. I'll go tell your roomie. You don't have to worry."Then she did start crying. She had been holding everything in all night and had believed whatever the absolute worst was. Her face crumpled. She was standing there helplessly, not even trying to hide it, while I looked around to see if anyone would stumble onto this scene.I took one of her hands and whispered, "It's okay. It's okay. Really. Here."I pulled her close, pulled her to me. She put her face between my left shoulder and my chest. Ah damn, damn it, no! Don't do this to me! I was completely aroused again, and I hated myself. I put my left arm around her waist. I stroked her hair.
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